Friendships: 13 Simple Ways To Get Intentional

Do you want to get more intentional with your friendships?

Getting intentional in your friendships is a way of nurturing what matters to you, and building solid friendships that grow with time.

Not all friendships are meant to last, but getting intentional about your friendships means being a friend on purpose. It’s buying flowers for your friends because you know they like them. 

Or showing up to check on them when their sick or down. It’s being there for them because you want them there (in your life) for you.

I’m sharing with you 13 Simple Ways to Get Intentional In Your Friendships.

Do you want friendships that last? Check out this post…

Be Engaged

When you spend time with your friends be present.

If you want them to feel valued or important, treat them as such. This is in no way making someone your better.

Your friendships should not make you feel more drained or depleted once the encounter is over. No matter how bad you want them in your life, friendships should add some type of value to your life. Not suck the life from life.

You deserve greatness, and what you put out is what you get. If you want intentional friendships, be more intentional in yours.

Being present is actively listening and engaging in the activity at hand even if that’s watching TV together.

By engaging in your friendship, you are placing them as a priority in your life. Because what you don’t nurture will die.

Friendships are no different. If you want your friendships to blossom, engage in them.

Put Your Phone Down

Your phone is like a ‘do not disturb’ sign.

When you don’t want to be bothered in public, what do you do to avoid being approached? Pick up your phone and take a deep dive into games, social media, or texting.

The same thing happens when you are around people you want in your life or who want to be in your life. Your phone is the reason you can’t make friends as much as it is the reason you don’t keep some of them.

Having your phone out does the complete opposite of being engaged. When someone sees a phone the first thing they think is “Oh that must be important”. You’re silently telling them they are not a priority in your life.

This is ok if you don’t want someone in your life, but if you do this is one of the top reasons humans aren’t connecting.

Phones are not human, and they lack that human touch many people crave.

So, if you want to build a solid friendship, put your phone away while you’re engaging with your friend(s).

Remember: You got this, what you put in, you receive back, like a boomerang. So, if you want more quality friendships, become more intentional about them.

Be a Great Listener

Talking and hearing are a part of communication, but so is listening.

Active listening is more than hearing your friend speak.

To build quality friendships, you will need to listen actively to what they are sharing with you.

For example:

You and your friend could be at lunch, but if one of you is hearing the other speak but not really listening, it’s like your body is there but your mind is somewhere else. 

Active listening is being aware of what someone is saying and giving them your undivided attention throughout it. This is not a one-size-fits-all. Everyone is different.

So today active listening may be responding, while tomorrow it could be comforting. 

Use your discernment to determine how to respond to your friend’s words. 

Or just ask them, “How can I help”, or “What would you like me to do”?

You do not have to sit face-to-face to listen actively. You can listen actively while playing basketball or doing each other’s hair.

Obviously: Reading, writing, watching TV, or playing on your phone are things you cannot do while listening actively. This is because these activities require your full attention. One will be sacrificed. The person or the activity?

We all want to be seen, heard, and understood, and active listening is one of the ways to ensure we do!

Check-in Good/Bad Day

No matter what day it is, checking in on your friend builds reliability.

Sometimes your friends may not reach out to you, and that’s ok. Both parties within a friendship should be putting in the effort to nurture the relationship.

Look at it from the perspective of a garden. If you don’t water it or prune it as needed it may overgrow, and/or die.

Friendships are the same. 

If you don’t work to grow and maintain a friendship, it will pass you by or end.

Spend Time Together Doing What You Both Like

This may change from time to time, but this does not mean the time spent together should be just about you or what you like. It should be a shared experience where yes; you try other things they like and vice versa.

A relationship is a transaction. 

You’re sharing your time/money/energy/etc. with someone. So, to get intentional about your friendships, you would need to make sure you are doing things that are important or contribute to your/their happiness.

This way you’re not wasting the currency -energy, money, time, ideas, etc.- you have (aka the exchange happening between you and your friends). 

You are important, and so are they. Make sure what you do counts towards your purpose, joy/happiness, wellness, growth, etc.

You matter!

Communicate Honestly

Is this person you’re cultivating a relationship with important? Because if they are it is vital to be honest.

Honesty is necessary to the foundation of any relationship. Without it, your foundation will be shaky. If honesty cost you your relationship, you wouldn’t want it anyway.

Honesty is a basic requirement to allow you to be your authentic self in your relationships. If you can’t be transparent and honest about who you are your friendship is doomed from the beginning. 

Because you will eventually grow to be resentful of the idea and feeling of keeping who you are bottled up.

Being honest is being open and transparent about who you are and what you’re looking for in a friend.

This is not your permission to tell someone off. That is not honesty, but judgment disguised behind the word honesty. You want to build healthy friendships. In order to do that you must be ok with imperfections.

Yes, at times, giving someone constructive criticism or advice is healthy. But with care and thoughtfulness. Without bitterness and an alternative motive that would hinder the other party from being their best self.

Be Respectful

You are not the only person in the world. Just in your world. But, if you want to develop healthy relationships, you will need to think about the other people around you.

Even if you don’t see why, when someone lets you in their door, be respectful of who they are and what they are willing to share with you.

Don’t be forceful and try to make someone accept you or open a door they are not comfortable with.

Time, effort, money, activities, etc. are all currencies. Meaning you are exchanging something for something else. The same thing applies to your friendships. Not only are you opening your door to let someone in, but they also are doing the same thing.

If you are uncomfortable (feel unsafe) with someone in your personal space/life/house/etc. kick them out with kindness. Not everyone needs to eat at your table.

This is how boundaries work. You have them (or should) and so should the friend or other party. This is how you protect yourself from what feels like danger.

Don’t feel bad to set boundaries. Because without them your morals, values, and belief lines will be crossed which would lead to burn-out, irritation, bitterness, and more. 

Many mental health issues come from not setting boundaries and protecting yourself from things that are not you. Or makes you feel unsafe. 

For more information check out this post… Beginner’s Guide to Boundaries (coming soon).

When You Don’t Stand for Something, You Fall for Everything. ~ This is where having values, & boundaries come in. 

Stand for who you are and love them unconditionally ~ flaws and all!

Get to Know Their Love Language

Love languages are…

Getting to know how your friend perceives love is ultimately one of the greatest things you can do as a friend. It shows thoughtfulness and the like.

How can you show them you love or appreciate them if you don’t know how they interpret their love language?

Have you ever done something or many things for someone, just for them to say, “I don’t think you love me”? It can be devastating.

However, it’s a common situation that has a simple solution. The 5 Love Languages. People understand love differently.

Physical Touch ~ Hugs, Fist bumps, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

Quality Time ~ Spending time with each other without distractions/disruption. Eating dinner with under-divided attention. Watching TV and being engaged.

Acts of Service ~ Doing things for the person such as cleaning, picking kids up from school, cooking, and volunteering to take some of their load.

Words of Affirmation ~ Words of kindness, Like, “You are doing a great job”, “Keep Going you’re almost there”, or “You are intelligent”.

Gift Giving ~ Buying things for people to show them your love, appreciation, etc. Things like buying dinner and bringing it to them, buying jewelry, greeting cards, etc.

It’s important to remember/know, you have a love language. You discover what your love language is by spending time with yourself, taking a test, or paying attention to what brings you joy when interacting with others. 

While you have a love language, (a way you interpret love) you’re love language may different than how you show someone loves them. 

For example: someone’s love language can be quality time, while their way of giving love is through acts of service. There may be many reasons why this is the case, but remember you are loved. it may just take certain ways to show that.

Note: Just because someone knows your love language does NOT mean they love you. It simply means they know your love language.

Don’t Force Yourself into Their Lives

Forcing yourself into someone’s life makes it easier for you to get hurt. Everyone’s intentions in your life are not pure or with your best interest in mind.

They may not want to share certain parts of their lives with you. This does not make you less than as a person, it simply means not everyone is for you. Be ok with that!

You don’t need to settle to feel loved.

Love is a seed that we all crave, even you, but it begins on the inside of you. So, if you need more love, start with loving yourself!

Have Grace

There will be times when your friend will fall short of their role as a friend. This is ok. They are human, just as you are human.

Give them grace.

Grace means cushion to mess up. It won’t always be pretty. They may be sick or need to prioritize their health/needs over everything some days. 

This does not mean they love you any less. They are human, not Superman. Give them the grace to make mistakes and forgive them. 

As you would want them to do for you.

Giving each other grace is an act of kindness and shows you care as their friend, and you won’t be so demanding all the time.

No Excuses

Entertaining excuses is not grace!

If someone gives you an excuse for something, it means it is not important to them. Excuses are an allowance for the action to come again. It’s saying, “Oh well”. Accepting this is not grace, and when someone gives you one, be careful in your relationship with them/that person. 

A person who makes excuses is not serious about the assignment. Whether that is your friendship or showing up to an event. Save yourself the heartache and be discerning in your selection of friends. 

Note: Not every commonality is a reason to rally! Put yourself first and discern whether this person has a negative impact on your life or adds value.

Adding value to someone’s life does not mean adding money.
and…
Someone’s social class is not a way to determine someone’s value.

Some upper-classmen are vampires, just as some lower-classmen are the sweetest and most valuable people out there.

In other words, money and class do not dictate value… Action does!

Don’t be Petty.

Every little thing is not worth an argument or disagreement.

You are going to have to nurture your relationship. This means choosing not to give in to pride.

Life is too short, and if you want to have friendships, you going to have to sacrifice “clapping back” sometimes.

There will be times when you will have to stand up, but it won’t be a matter of pride, but respect.

This is why having an idea of what your values are, is important. Because you will need boundaries. Boundaries are what help and protect you and others in your relationship.

Not being petty also helps in your overall well-being. You cannot control everything everyone says about you. Or what they do.

Trying to get someone to see what you are trying to say can be a waste of time.

Not because you’re not worthy, but because no matter how much you try, you can’t force a horse to drink the water, only bring them to the water.

Don’t let your pride take away what can be happy years. However, if the relationship is leaving you feeling depleted after you just filled your cup, you may need to walk away.

Every situation is different, so listen to your gut, it will help guide you! Sometimes, you may not be able to walk away, but limiting how much you give can be an option. 🤷‍♀️

Forgive Often

We’re humans. Everyone makes mistakes. If you hold a grudge against everyone who did something wrong to you, you may end up alone. 

You don’t have to ignore the pain, but you can learn from it and move on.

Forgiveness is not a matter of forgetting or ignoring what someone did. It’s simply letting go because there’s nothing you can do to change what happens.

When you hold on to something someone did to you, (like miss a very important recital) there will be no room for the new you want to add to your life.

Let’s look at it this way…

You fill your car up with gas. This gas can be all the things you are holding on to in your life. Well, when an opportunity comes up to achieve a goal, you need to add some skills to your gas tank. How can you if you don’t get rid of what you already have?

We all have meters and how you fill yours will determine how far you travel and the overall health of your life.

Forgiveness is not just for the other person. In fact, the purpose of forgiveness is to set you free. By choosing to let go, you allow your desires, goals, etc. to enter your life.

In Closing,

Life can be lonely if you don’t have the right people in it. This is not to say you can’t live without friendships, but life is so much better when you have a community of people who are there to encourage, support, laugh, and enjoy your life with.

You are not meant to live life alone. But you also do not need to just settle for anyone. Audit your friendships and keep those that make you feel inspired and whole, and not drained by the end of the encounter.

You will also need to ensure you are doing your part and nurturing your friendships. They won’t nurture themselves.

You and your friend will need to be intentional about being friends. This could look like being there for each other, listening while the other speaks, checking in on each other, and more.

You deserve to have healthy and happy friendships. So, make sure you’re doing what you can to be a good friend. A good friend gets a good friend! What you put out; you get back.